Saturday, October 10, 2009

Requiem for a Pom

Ho hum. As I promised, I will tell you what happened to my hands, but I've been telling this story a lot lately and it gets less impressive by the day. If you'd like a zestier version, I will provide one only by request.

I work in a theater, and in our theater there is a fly system (set of ropes and pulleys that let you raise and lower batons, which are what things such as curtains and stage lights hang on.) Well one baton was flown in and some of the crew took the curtain off of it. This meant that the system was out of weight, and we had to fly the curtain back up with a disproportionate amount of weight gaining momentum on its way down. This is, unfortunately, the only way to get the weight back off the system.
Anywhoosles, my boss assigned me and some greehorn dipshit to fly out the bound-to-be unruly baton. I started pulling downward and idiotface was holding onto the part of the rope that was moving up. Momentum started to kick in and jackoff began holding onto his part of the rope and riding on it like a fucking merry-go-round. He let his feet come off the ground. THAT SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN. YOU RIDE UP ON THAT SHIT, YOU FLY UP TO THE CEILING WITH THE CURTAIN ROD AND THEN, OR BEFORE THEN, YOU FALL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BASEMENT AND YOU DIE FOREVER. I gave him a hurried lecture to this effect.
Well, not 10 seconds later, the rope starts taking of again, I cannot hold it myself and moronpants isn't touching it. "I lied," I say. "I lied, please hold onto it please help me please hold on." I tell him to lock it but he doesn't know what the locking mechanism is because he is incompetent. The rope is shooting through my hands at this point. Whatever happens, the system comes to a stop without crashing at the top and bottom, so I lock it and then go to examine my chewed up hands, littered with the 4 deepest rope/rug burns I've ever seen, for my refusal to Google image it.
In short, my hands were fucked to hell but are healing now, and I work with butts-for-brains.
ALSO! I was bitten by a ball python. Thing is like 2.5 feet long and it was munching all up on my thumb. That didn't incapacitate me, though, it just makes me feel badass.

Hokay, so, life-wise, pomegranates are my absolute favorite [raw] food and and I thought it would follow that it would be my favorite shisha-wise. Because of my adoration of them I was psyched as hell to break open this pot.

HookaH-HookaH - Pomegranate
In the box: Smells about right! Very juicy, very fine, smells like a pomegranate tea blend more than just juice but it smells very real and I'm happy of the absence of any outrageous purple colors.
In the bowl: GODDAMMIT. For the first few puffs I get nothing on the inhale and LICORICE on the exhale. No secret pomegranateyness is revealed while blowing the smoke out my nose and over my palate, as is the case with some shishas. The licorice isn't as strong as in 7-Spice but that lingering anise taste always spreads like roofing tar over the back of my tongue no matter how strong. After some time I started imagining some sweetness on the inhale, but anise still wiped it out completely. I extinguish the essentially whole coal and dump out my bowl, really glad I'd only packed half of it. It starts to rain (really). I dream of the coming weeks when my precious pomegranates will be popping up in produce sections in my nick of the woods. I contemplate actually putting seeds in my bowl when next I want to bother with smoking this.
star star star star star
Hookah-Hookah Pomegranate: 2/5 stars.

I'm willing to try wine in the water (or directly in my vortex bowl) or dousing my shisha with pomegranate limeade or SOMETHING. I don't want to give up on this otherwise smooth, cloudy tobacco, but I want to know why the scrumptious authentic pomegranate tea smell runs and hides when it comes time to stop sniffing and start smoking.

_ P.S.:
HEY H-H! I know I might be new to this, but enough is enough! You're supposed to be the new-agey, flavor-rich shisha! You are not made in Egypt, or Saudi Arabia, you use fancy plastic containers that are specially designed to be air-tight for me, and you use no semblance of traditional art. That's okay! I am a college-age white girl, and I make purchases based on what I like, not on what has the most authenticity or "cred."
_ And hell, have you searched "shisha reviews" on Youtube lately? Those people are predominately other white people, usually overweight, and acting like thugs or wannabe badasses. They're the patrons of the hookah bars I can't stand - the ones playing oppressively loud rap and serving chicken wings they may or may not have bothered to remove from the KFC bucket. You think they could locate Jordan on a map? I assure you, they don't care about authenticity either. I'd imagine half of them smoke ganja out of their hookahs when they're not broadcasting on the intarwubs.
_ PUT DOWN THE ANISE, H-H. Pick up an ingredient that's on the back of my Sour Punch Straws or my fruit snacks. I'll come right out and say it: the buzz is also not what I bought my hookah for. So just go with what tastes good. Round peg --> round hole time, agreed? Come out with a "black licorice" flavor if you must but if you do, make sure that NONE OF THAT MOLASSES TOUCHES ANY SHISHA BUT YOUR LICORICE SHISHA!
~ Becky

Sigh. 8 flavors to go, 8 dreams to be broken or made. And god help me, I have a Double Apple on the way.

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