Laaayla.... er, Laaaya.... Layna? Lanya?

Oh. Well, I forgot that I reviewed my Layalina flavor already and so the title of this post was going to refer to it. But now I see that I've done Cappuccino already, but I like the title so darn much that I'm keeping it!
HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, INTERBLAG?

Okay, plan B, *shuffle rifle shuffle* AHA! Here we go! A nice disappointing flavor to share with you all as a warning.

HookaH-HookaH - Orange

In the box: Really stuck my snoot in and got some mellow citrus. Orange citrus? I suppose sooo...
In the bowl: OH COME ON. This flavor was WEAK. I shouldn't use caps there because yelling is not what this flavor has anything to do with. I think the only distinct orange I was getting was the bit of orange juice I put in the vase (too many variables for a first try, I know, but whatevs). On the whole, it seems as though the tobacco content could be noticeably greater, but the flavor is so unforgivably less, and it burns to harshness pretty fast. Of course, that last qualm could have been because the smoke was so poor that I lit a whole other coal before the first one had burned down any.
I don't know what this flavor's problem is. Hookah-Hookah is clearly one of the most flavorful brands on the market, even sacrificing tobacco leaf cuts with any tobacco in them for cuts that are so neutral in flavor they can completely transform them into any magical concoction they can, well, concoct. Even in my limited yet rapidly growing experience I understand and have been led to believe that the fruits of H-H are the most rambunctious, true, and lip-smacking flavors on the market. So here we are faced with one of the most classic and traditional fruit flavors there is, and Hookah-Hookah's submission is a nonexistant, non-smoking, non-pleasing fluke of an embarrassment bowl? What gives, says I. What. Gives.
I guess I've been keeping in mind how mortified I was to sample 7-Spice right out of the bowl, and how enlivened I was to revisit it later and find that by some alchemy it had transformed into the shisha I thought I was buying. I've been keeping it in mind, but what I'm also keeping in mind is that fact that I opened up my Orange and mixed it with things quite a while ago. It's been exposed to air or whatever other transformative variable would have been working on 7-Spice and it's this drivel! And that's not to say "exposed to air" as in like "I lost the lid and it's been drying out for months," I just mean I broke the seal. I'm confused. Confused and sad. Blastula. (That's a developmental bio term, but it's also me making a curse word longer than it currently exists in common usage.)

Hookah-Hookah Orange: star star star star star
3/4 of a star for, I guess, the only buzz that one hit of H-H shisha has ever given me?
Chocolate + Orange = Slammer!
1/2 Orange + 1/4 Acai Berry + 1/4 Margarita = The Everything Fruit!

Actually Lazy Sunday

I feel, dear readers, that I have not been making good on the part of my tagline what says "whatever else I have to say." Verily, posts have been few and far between, and compared to ow I normally talk they've been downright curt when they do come around.

If your one of those 4 people that reads this blog and just doesn't comment, I apologize to you. It has been this way because all of the interesting and colorful stuff I've had to say lately has been, well, a total downer. I've been having a shitty semester. Really shitty. For a number of reasons. Are my problems complex and therefore kind of interesting? I guess. Are the ways in which I'd go about relating them colorful? Most yes. But is this a freaking Livejournal where half the people that come across would think that I'm positively flooding my keyboard with wristblood while I write these rants and cut myself? Probably. And I don't want to present/propagate that image, and I don't want to bore or get you down, so online I try to keep it upbeat. And if upbeatedness is not to be had that day then I won't write much of anything.

WHICH brings me around to saying that this weekend has been pretty damn good, and very relaxing, and super freakin' snowy so I'm in the mood to charm the pants off you with a couple blend reviews.

Becky's Shisha Kitchen!
Recipies of Delicious Smoking

Had this one in the book for a while, actually. I'm starting my good-faith effort to use up flavors that I bought because they sounded like not-licorice and they turned out to be straight up licorice. Starting with the 7-Spice which may I make you aware, has changed drastically in smell from the first time I opened it, and it shows in these blends.

(a la Aladdin introducer [voiced by Robin Williams I bet you didn't know])
Arabian Iiiiice....

I mixed 1/4 Nakhla mint, 1/4 Hookah-Hookah Spearmint, and 1/2 extremely non-anise smelling H-H 7-Spice to synthesize what I hope will be the most exotic Popsicle ever.
THE RESULT: This mix is simultaneously cold and smoky. Dare I say it is perfect? I may darest. There's something so balanced and non-creepy crawly I get about the 7-Spice this time... do you know what I mean when I say creepy crawly? How licorice in any considerable amount just oozes over your tongue like asphalt on a hot day? Yeah, well, it's not there. Mint is, I suppose, the perfect foil for anise, though I may use a little less in the future. It's a powerful ally, you know?

1/4 Mint + 1/4 Spearmint + 1/2 7-Spice = Arabian Iiiice! (Like Arabian daaays...
more often than not, are hotter than hot, in a lot of good waaaaaaaays...) *sigh*

The Everything Fruit

You know how fruitcake is called fruitcake, and it kind of tastes like there's some fruit present, but if you're munching on a store bought one (god knows why) you realize that the only fruity thing about it are these Gummy Bear looking bits that don't even taste like fruit themselves but are closer to Spice Drops? Yeah, I guess this mix is like that. I wanted something fruity when I mixed 1/2 H-H orange, 1/4 Acai Berry, and 1/4 Margarita, and I can't say I didn't get it.
THE RESULT: It is well balanced if nondescript. I thought that the sour Margarita would actually be too much and it's not at all. It's a different kind of nondescript than the Slammer I wrote about a ways back, but this wishy-washiness is far superior. The likeness does bring me about to an observation, though, as I am a scientist, and that conclusion is: ORANGE IS A NOTHING FLAVOR. I haven't tried it alone, but I guess I should, because in a company so well versed in fruit flavors, I went on trust that H-H's Orange would knock me out of the park, but it's fairly nonexistant in both of these mixes. Nothing says, let alone screams, "orange" and it was half of the bowl, you know? The sour gets even a bit lost for my taste, but I'm kind of okay with that because I added Margarita in the hopes that it would be an assimilated accent. I'm getting mostly Acai Berry but that's fine, because I love that flavor.
I do really like this mix though. I mean, A LOT. But I couldn't say why I like it since typically I criticize blandiness. But I guess when you compare blandy fruit and blandy sour you get inexplicable good. *shrug*

1/2 Orange + 1/4 Acai Berry + 1/4 Margarita = The Everything Fruit!

Now get outta my kitchen.

Firsties and Lasties!

Like, the first and last day of the month.

Is there any way to assure having "lasties" in a comments section? I would say invariably no. I guess it might happen by chance... but in terms of guaranteeing it? I'd say naw way.

Layalina - Cappuccino

In the box: This shisha actually does come in a box; a clever little matchbox with a bag of WOW. WET. THIS STUFF IS WET. This tobacco is packaged in copious amounts of crimson molasses. I am slightly dismayed that once open, there's no self-sustaining way to be air tight, but this smells exactly like its namesake and with the ridiculous amount of molasses I'm not too worried about it shriveling up anyway. The cut is, I'd say, somewhere between Hookah-Hookah and Nahkla, and it was admittedly kind of hard to spread around. I felt as though I was kind of lumping it into the bowl instead of the all-important "sprinkle" technique, and as I'll touch on later this showed in the uneven burning.
In the bowl: You know what the best idea I've ever had is? Drinking hot chocolate while smoking this shisha. This tobacco is incredibly true to taste and the flavor is strong! Like everything I've ever wanted out of a H-H blend! And so, holing up in my new common-area-turned-hookah-lounge sipping powdered hot cocoa was the best compliment this shisha could get. And though it was delicious, the lumpy cut and the super thick molasses made for a kind of half-and half burning in the bowl. Like, it tasted fine the first time the coal(s) went around, and on my H-H bowls I'm used to making a second pass, maybe with a little turning of the, if you will, soil. However, with this one, it got around once and there was this nearly instantaneous harsh ashiness. I took the foil of to turn it over and it was completely fried on the top and completely pristine on the bottom.
It's economical, in a way, to turn over the shisha in your bowl and effectively have another bowl to smoke without taking more from the box. I still don't like that very much though. I'm not a big fan of the consistency of this Layalina even though the flavor and smell are so top notch I can't even describe. It's just a thing that bothers me. Like, my H-H bowls go for a long time, and the tobacco isn't too wet and it's super fine and it dries out evenly and if I'm really scrounging or if I burned it a bit along the way, I can turn it over with the poker on my tongs. It is still "fluffy" at this stage. It's not cemented together and absolutely singed all around. Layalina came up in sticky globs with a black top and that bright red underside and I smoked what I could and added a pinch to be safe. It wasn't the best texture, but it was a total crowd pleaser. And Becky pleaser. Whoop whoop!

star star star star star
Layalina Cappuccino: 4.25/5 stars

My birthday is coming up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does that mean I will have more time to smoke? Oh god no. But we'll see how the other variables treat me.
Tra la la...
Toodle-oo.

POIT

In case you haven't noticed, I'm at home again and nobody wants to smoke with me. Poooooop.

I'm going to Oberlin tomorrow! I like it there a lot instead of hating it there! It's where my boyfriend lives! Whee!

This is basically just a shoutout to my lady McLane, who reads this blog very diligently but can never comment cause she's real real bad at the Internet. Pah ha! She's the best at other things though, so, I guess we don't have to make fun of her for too many days.

Also, I just don't care about the Bearcats and how they're failing. Everyone on my current Facebook feed does. Call me a bad Cincinnatian if you want to, I guess... But MY team is in the playoffs right now. WHO DEY. (That's another shoutout to McLane, whose "team" lost more games this season than they did in the previous two. And that's the real advantage to her not being able to comment here.)

Poit. You know. It's what Pinky says besides "Narf."

As the Prophecy Fortold

ACK! I never reviewed that rawesome Hookah Freak flavor from the blendoff competition I said I would! SORRYHEREITIS:

Hookah Freak - Mad Hatter

In the box: Somewhat spicy. Somewhat stale. Spicy. Very strong. It smells very much like tea. Very familiar, but veeery hard to put my finger on. Nobody could, really. Put their finger on it that is.
In the bowl: Definitely tastes like it smells, if that helps, though I wouldn't say it does. Familiar, tea-like, sweet spice. Delicious! Happy I picked it. Here's the quote from the blender off of the H-H website - 1 1/2 Chai tea, Spiced Rum, 1 1/2 Orange, Cinnamon. Ever wonder what Tea was served to Alice in Wonderland? Well, now you know. Yeah I guess it's not much more than what I gave you, but hey, no one describes their creation like the creator, am I right?

star star star star star

Hookah Freak Mad Hatter: 5/5 stars
Wheeooo! What a winner. I'm rooting for it in the blend-off.

I am listening to chaotic Irish music (absolute love = where Pandora took my Flogging Molly obsession) and "studying geology." I want to blow off some steam by rattling off some borderline-psychotropic poetry/prose but I have less ammunition than I thought. Give it time, friends.

Actually, SPEAKING of prophecies, I have something I can rail on about: Legend of the Seeker. What a crock. I was all about being ironically devoted to a show whose cheesy action sequences, and overly hot chicks, and stubborn adherence to and simultaneous flirtatious likelihood to disobey abstinence between the two main characters, and the use of common nouns as Proper Nouns (i.e. Seeker, Keeper, Rift, Confessor) all combined in a glorious clusterfuck of the Surprisingly Enjoyable Yet Undoubtedly Bad. And I was actually pretty invested at the end of the first season. They accomplished their goal, the prophesized one, turned some foes into friends along the way (namely an extremely hot one), and it was pretty satisfying. Then the last lines were the most obnoxious incarnation of "AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ADVENTURES AWAIT US NEXT!" "YOU ARE RIGHT, COMPANION. OUR ADVENTURES ARE CERTAINLY NOT OVER. EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND ABSOLUTELY NO FORESHADOWING FOR WHAT COULD GO WRONG HAS BEEN PRESENTED!" "ADVENTURE!" reared its ugly - and I do mean ugly - head, and the writers that had just put their pens and pencils back in their fanny packs as they nodded their heads and started phoning their families were called back into the conference room and chained to uncomfortable machines that filled their already sub-competent brains with hackneyed and dare I say unbelievable "plot" twists.
So the second season starts with this prophecy mistress dropping in to deliver a surprisingly arbitrary "Oh, hey, the Seeker that I said was the real Seeker isn't the real Seeker anymore. You gonna... appoint a new one of those? Maybe this guy right here that I can totally manipulate maybe?" And ever since every choice and character that's been introduced has been exponentially more irritating than the last. I get so angry and yet, every Monday (or so) I'm back on Hulu watching it. The 45 minutes spend traipsing around the Midlands are just comprised of me yelling at the screen about how fucking unbearable and/or inconsistent the characters are; or how the events are clearly generated by a force as transparent as "the writers will it so" and not anything having to do with characterization, foreshadowing, or what is interesting or unexpected; or hitting and throwing things.
All that being said, the hot chicks in the show do make it kinda worth it, especially since they're both so damn good at killing fuckers. The first one, Kahlan, tries to be all virtuous about it, but the second one, Cara, is the only practical one on the show and she's ruthless. I love her. Her train of thought is always something like "Well, the only solution to our problem is if this person dies, right? We should kill them. No? Are you serious? If you won't kill him I will kill him. No, listen, we need to fucking kill him will you just grow a pair?" or "Ok, this person that we desperately need has run away twice since you won't let me torture and tie him up. PLEASE let me torture him and tie him up. GODDAMN IT, WHY DO I LISTEN TO YOU IDIOTS?!"
In summary, this show sucks, but I can't not watch.
Great.

Lap-Barf With Tea

You know, how, sometimes, you study REAL REAL hard on just a couple of things for an exam? They're the things you know you don't know and you devote virtually all your time and attention to them and after a while you actually feel really confident about them? And then you go to actually take your final and the prof asks absolutely nothing about those things and has, say, 2.5 pages on things you forgot about entirely?
Yeah, that just happened to me.
Ordinarily, I call that and other forms of ridiculously bad performance "barfing in my lap" on an exam, but ever since my friend Nathan had to take his finals with some sort of stomach virus and actually projectile vomited all over his lap/desk/test I have to watch my words. In my context though, I barfed in my lap. It's too bad 'cause I didn't particularly like econ, but the teacher was great and very helpful and I was kicking ass and taking names at the beginning of the semester.

Shooort review today guys, I have other things on my mind.

HookaH-HookaH - Chai

In the box: Well, it doesn't smell like chai. It smells rich, spicy, pretty minty as a matter of fact. but not like chai which I thought they could have gotten spot on.
In the bowl: Nnnngggg... Not a fan. The only herb I'm getting out of this muddled flavor is anise, and we all know how I feel about that. It's just not chai. It might be pretty nice for those among us that like licoriceyness, because I will say that the mildewy, unavoidable, all-consumuing vibe that anise-heavy flavors rock like their favorite pair of cutoffs is surprisingly absent. So 1, it took me some time to realize what I was tasting and 2, it was the most enjoyable black licorice encounter I've ever had to date. Still not good. Why couldn't it just be, oh, chai?

star star star star star
Hookah-Hookah Chai: 1/5 stars
Because I mean come on, guys. It's chai. It's right there. This tobacco wasn't on par in smell nor taste and it was nasty to boot. At least the smell/taste is there if you're feeling it.

Tra la la. There'll be a lot more of me falling in a forest with no one around to hear it in the coming week since finals suck and all, but jeez louise does it leave me with a lot of free time. TTFN.

Jeeeez...

Holy cow, non-readers, look how much shisha I've been reviewing. WOW.

Um, actually what's going on in my life has been FINALSFINALSFINALSFUCKMEINTHEASSWITHA40-FOOTFINALSPOLE. No good no good at all.

However, I have been whittling the time away by discovering my deep and potentially undying love for Chris Hardwick and his blog. And his comedy mans. And his show. And his scruffy little half-beard. He has the best links and humor guys. The best. Anywhoosles...

Through The Nerdist I have come across my own internet findings such as a toy for those kids comfortable with the risk of squirting pressurized Kool-aid or lemonade or ginger ale directly into their eyes. Does any of this have to do with hookah? Or my portfolio that's due in 2 hours? WHY NO! Oh, what a jolly adventure through the Blagosphere you have found yourself upon.

*sigh* On to finish "Cephalopod." I'll let you know how it goes.